M.L. Olmstead

When I published The Knights: Lost in the Void back in 2023, there were a lot more questions in my mind than answers. What would make someone buy a book from a completely unknown author with no social media? If they did, would they be happy they bought it, or feel like they wasted their money? One thing I did know was the pure intention behind my work. I toiled through twenty years of pouring my soul out into this book, but another question remained…was I good enough to bring my experiences and emotions properly to the page? Maybe there was a more qualified author out there who could write a better version of this story. To understand my complicated feelings on the matter, we must go all the way back…to origin of the story.

As a young child, I was full of life and wonder, and I found joy in stories of all kinds. By second grade, I had convinced myself I was going to be an author and publish dozens of books. Life was great. But slowly over the years, things happened that stole my joy. I believe it was sixth grade, when I first started getting bullied. I made the choice to stick up for the “wrong” person. She was unpopular, and I was too small and shy to be putting myself out there. But there was always this inner fire inside of me, so I couldn’t stop myself from defending her. As time went on, I changed schools, and yet I would find myself in trouble yet again. If you are the small quiet girl, standing out is one of the riskiest things you can do, but I took the chance. I still believed everything would work out if you did the right thing. Sometimes my version of the right thing might have been wrong. I know I was growing into quite the angry person by this time.

By ninth grade, I learned that there was going to be pain if I walked the path I was on. Before I fully understood why, I was getting relentlessly tormented by kids who barely knew me. To this day, I am not really sure how I got that target on my back. It was so bad that even the bullied kids were bullying me, which was a strange position to be in. Because I knew personally how angry they were inside. They needed someone to take it out on, and it was safe to take it out on me. No one was going to protect me, not my friends who were also getting bullied, and not the teachers who had huge class sizes and either turned a blind eye or didn’t see the sneaky things kids were doing.

Things were getting out of control, and there was nothing I could do to stop it, so I had to make a choice. I decided that no matter what anyone did or said to me, I would not react. I noticed that most bullies enjoyed when kids cried or fought back, and usually the bullying would get worse. Countless days passed where I was insulted, embarrassed, and physically threatened, and I stood there blankly taking it all in. Many days, i just left school. I didn’t tell anyone, I just walked out the door. But I was going home to a neighborhood that was not safe either. I had to travel through woods and hop fences to avoid being seen. There was real danger of getting jumped by a group of kids.

By the time I got safely into my home, I was spent. I never told my parents what was going on. I just buried it, and after a while pretending to be invincible turned into an overpowering numbness. I couldn’t feel anything after a while. I can’t describe to you the total exhaustion I felt from battling everyday of my life. I really wanted to give up. It was too hard.

One day, I turned on the TV, and the best thing I had ever seen was on. Dragonball Z. That show did things for me. The characters were always up against insurmountable odds, and they never gave up. They kept fighting, and they would win. I didn’t have a favorite character at first, but things all changed in the Namek saga when Vegeta started reluctantly team up with the Z fighters. I don;t want to spoil, but in his battle with Frieza when he told his backstory, I cried pretty hard. And it felt amazing.

Eventually, I found myself escaping into anime. It gave me something to look forward to, and it made me feel like I would eventually win my battles too. My favorite characters represented parts of myself and who I wanted to be. Some were aggressive fighters like Yusuke Yurameshi and Vegeta, but others had such an empathetic side despite their immense strength Vash the Stampede and Himura Kenshin. Something I wanted even though I had none. In addition to being small, I also had several series health problems. I really looked up to those strong guys. I needed to believe that I could overcome despite all of my weakness.

I fell head over heels in love with Shonen anime in particular because it was a representation of my own life, and very soon it started to influence my writing. Long gone were the second grade stories about fields and butterflies and love, now I was writing about fighting. And it was in 9th grade, the first version of the Knights was born. That version you will never see because its unsuitable for consumption. But my friends and I really enjoyed it, and it was an incredible outlet for my frustrations and my sadness.

Fast forward years after high school, and as it tends to happen, life was incredibly different. I got to choose where I worked and who I hung out with, and there were no gangs of bored kids tormenting me. I was really living, and I was really happy. I even found a way to train privately in marital arts, despite my extreme health issue. (But that is a story for another post.) I even forgave the people who were responsible for those years because I really don’t think they understood the full impact of their actions, nor do I think I was a perfect person. I am sure that I have done and said things that hurt people, as painful as it is to admit that. Mercy is always a good path to follow.

I never stopped writing, and I never forgot about those despairing times. Most importantly of all, I never forgot that at any point in time, there was someone struggling and suffering. And it made me give the Knights series another shot. I wanted to write something that really meant something. A story that made you feel something in your heart. I remember how anime gave me the permission to feel emotion and wash the numbness away. To do that, I knew I needed strong characters like the ones I looked up to. Characters that you really cared what happened to them, and maybe you could see a little of yourself in them.

I strongly desired to emulate the beautiful stories that got me through that time and give them to other people. It’s such an honor to be able to help another person. But here is where the doubts came in. Who was I to think I could write as good as some of these manga writers? What skill set did I have that qualified me? What training? What intrinsic quality made me good enough to desire such a high level dream? I wrestled with my doubts for years. But here in the present, I know this. I know my intentions. I know my heart, and I know how painful life can be. But I also know how much beauty and hope is out there, and you can find it first in a story, and then you make that hope your own. My writing comes from a personal place, and all I can be is me. And I think that is more than enough. Because I understand, and I care.

Part two of this blog will be more about the specifics. But I hope you enjoyed the more abstract version of my inspiration.